3 Reasons to be Famous

November 23, 2017 admin

Why would I want to become famous? Well, three reasons.

1. Money – as an actor you get paid something in the region of £400 per week for say a panto, if I were a famous actor I’d be looking at anything up to ten grand.

2. Work – I went up for Coronation Street last week, I met the casting director and two directors. One of the directors said, this episode is the biggest, most ambitious storylines since the Deirdre love triangle in 1983 (ask your gran). 

It’s about Roy Cropper and his whippet (spoiler alert). Blah, blah, blah and he’s telling me this great storyline, big fight, car chase and it ends up with Ken Barlow being hijacked on a plane as he’s coming back from Malta.  It’s a really current storyline about an ex-celebrity who’s been accused of acting inappropriately with animals and he’s got drunk on the plane (must be made of money) anyway, he’s taken a stewardess (played by Antony Cotton) hostage.  To cut a long story short the pilot has a fit and Ken has to land the plane, in Whetherfield!

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but he puts the plane down just outside the Kabin and there’s explosions and flames and Leanne Battersby gets knocked over and it’s marvelous mayhem.

I’m sat listening and I’m thinking, brilliant, this is my big chance to shine, the part I’ve been waiting twenty years for.  “This is where you come in” he says.

CUT TO. Ken stumbles out the plane and he’s off his head, but he manages to make it to the Kabin.  He pushes the door open through the debris and shouts “Roy! Roy, come quick” I’m, my character, is sat eating a bacon barm cake and I turn to Ken and I say “He’s just nipped next door, he shouldn’t be too long”.


Twenty years.  Twenty years of bottom feeding and scratching about for work and all I get is “He’s just nipped next door, he shouldn’t be too long”.

Reason 3. Weight – If I become famous I’m going to be in lots of newspapers, magazines and television shows. My face will be adorning such glossy’s as OK, Chat, DIY Week and Nuts. And what’s the first thing I’m going to do when I see myself in them? You fat bleeder.
So then you’ll have to live through ‘My Battle with the Bulge’. Endless interviews about my weight, childhood obesity, caused by depression, I’ll have depression, they all have depression. Hello will do another spread – At home with the Whiteley’s.  – I’ll probably do a cooking show or a diet show.